Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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