addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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