I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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