I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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