Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
