my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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