I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
