Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
