DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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