There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
