I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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