Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
