I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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