i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
