Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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