I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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