Someone shit on the floor
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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