Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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