Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
