i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize