my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
