Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
