i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
