when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
