Sober January is a disaster.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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