im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
