I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
