WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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