i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
