Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
