...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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