He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
