He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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