im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
