What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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