I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
