Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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