who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
