i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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