i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
