the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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