I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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