I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
