dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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