I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
