why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
