You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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