I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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