This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I need to stop coming to work sober
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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