I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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