I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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