I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
