He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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