watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
