I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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