our cab driver is having phone sex.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
