Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
