i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i may or may not be watching the land before time
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
