Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
