If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
