I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
