I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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