I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
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