I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
