I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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