after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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